my mum's a nudist

among other things...

i haven't told you much about mum yet because i don't know where to start.

i am going to tell you stuff... but not to make fun of her... and not just for my own catharsis... i'm going to tell you about mum because she is not from this earth... and you will see the universe in a different light as a result.

i'll start with 10 things you should know... not including the fact that she doesn't like wearing clothes at home... and that this used to be a point of interest amongst teenage boys when i was at high school... and well... she wouldn't let me or dad shut the curtains which meant that the neighbourhood knew quite a lot about our family.

10 random facts

#1 while most people request 'no msg' at a chinese restaurant... mum would specifically ask for extra msg to be sprinkled over her takeaway dim sims

#2 when mormons or jehovah's witnesses came to the door... mum would tell them that she was a satan worshipper

#3 whenever we went to the cinema mum would take a bag of potato chips and over the course of the movie would aggressively shake the foil chip bag around to make sure the salt was evenly distributed

#4 mum has an amazing singing voice and an incredible ability to paint and draw - however she has no interest in pursuing these talents... BUT she does break out into song when drunk... i.e. shirley bassey / led zeppelin / velvet underground... and will skinhead dance when the beat is right... and if the beat isn't right she'll harass whoever is in control of the music until they get it right

#5 mum has an obsession with thunderstorms... she and dad holiday at surfers paradise every year and stay on the top floor of the same hotel so mum can watch storms coming in from the sea

#6 mum wooed my dad by sitting on his desk every lunchtime when they both worked for the public service... she hasn't worked since they got married 28 years ago

#7 while we had a fully functioning kitchen and laundry at home they weren't to be used... instead we ate takeaway or would have barbecues... and all washing was done at the laundromat (save your questions til later)

#8 mum is a huge fan of i love lucy and would record old black and white episodes played in the morning on channel 31 to watch during prime time every evening

#9 mum would tuck the dog into bed every night (FYI... the dog was a hairy border collie x kelpie x blue heeler x cocker spaniel)... the dog's bed was in the garage outside... tucking in also involved hand feeding it water and singing the special 'close those puppy eyes' nigh nigh song

#10 although that photo was taken in the '80s... mum pretty much still looks the same... she is very, very tall and this is one of her modeling shots

i think that's enough for now...